Support Poly Not For Everyone

[Lili]

I am very sorry for what is going on. It sounds like a sad and difficult situation. I do commend you for continuing the fight though. *hug*

I agree with @FollowingHim2 that it would be mighty helpful if your husband were open to chatting here. There is so much experience and wisdom on the forum.

A bit I hope will help you, no matter what the outcome? You can learn to love anew, hopefully you *and* your husband. Sometimes a relationship suffers the most because we want to force it into the shape it started, when things were new and full of whatever made you fall in love in the first place. People change, and people hurt each other. Time passes. What worked once doesn't always work forever.
I do not believe your husband is acting kindly or wisely, but I feel that you want to stay. So I hope you can take comfort from what I have said.

 

[Poodles]

Practicing PM without the first wife fully on board is, in my opinion, at the least, misguided. Sometimes it works, but I wouldn't choose it to begin that way.


There was a discussion on this a while back, and the conclusion I came to was that we see it so much on here because of two reasons.
Firstly, it's mostly men that comment on here. I don't know the statistics, but off the top of my head I would say 80-90% of commenters are men, so they're coming from that perspective.
Secondly, there's a lot of theoretical talk on here. Theoretically, a woman has to obey her husband, even if he tells her she has to murder someone. In reality, there is no way anyone here would think that was appropriate or okay in any way. I think that more of the discussion about actual real situations that people are going through is happening in private through private conversations or through one on one phone calls etc, because people don't want their real situations being put on the public forum, which is fair enough. This also means that the solutions to these situations are also spoken about in private, and I can guarantee they're a lot more dialed back than "Tell your wife she has to shut up and obey no matter what you do." It's more like, "What can you do to love and lead your wife through this?"

Also, remember that it's easy to be reading through your own filter based on what's going on in your life. So sometimes certain phrases and words jump out at us, and it upsets us, but it's not the whole forum, it's one comment, from one person, who's normally pretty level headed. Sometimes we need to step back a bit and take a look at the bigger picture.

I have to agree here, this lifestyle is not for everyone. And, although the first wife agrees theoretically with the concept of poly, putting it into practice seems impossible, at least for that time and season. Thinking that everyone should live this lifestyle is foolish.
I think that the husband, who wants poly as a lifestyle, should take it slowly, not beating the wife into submission, but, as shared above, lead the wife gently. He needs to reassure her that his love will never change towards her (often growing more deeply and intensely than before). She MUST feel safe and secure in his love. ( Problems in the existing marriage almost guarantees failure in this new lifestyle, work on that before entering into poly)
If it is the wife, who wants this lifestyle, she needs to wait for the concept to sink into his mind. By showing love towards him, she can often make him feel secure that this is what she really wants.
Always stay close to God. And make sure you are listening to Him and not your will. You must be called to this lifestyle. And it will take time.

 

[AlexaH]

There are some men who did not realize that Polygyny was even in option until later on. For example, my husband and sister wife were married in the early 90's and did not even come to an understanding of Polygyny until the mid 2000's. Then about another 13 years to make it a reality. Is Polygyny for everyone? Absolutely Not! This is not for the faint of heart or those with weak marriages. We have our struggles everyday. We don't always agree on everything but at the end of the day I love both of them with my whole heart. It took many years for my sister wife to come on board with her husband and God didn't exactly convict her that it was the right thing to do but she followed the headship of her husband. Was she allowed to state her feelings and objections and also her thoughts about the positive? Absolutely. The key is Love not Force.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

I just have to wonder though, why a husband who wants a second wife, would want a wife who really doesn't want to blend in with the family.

 

[AlexaH]

I just have to wonder though, why a husband who wants a second wife, would want a wife who really doesn't want to blend in with the family.

I agree wholeheartedly that 100 percent. I think being part of the family is essential to also, keeping down the jealousy and such.

 

[AlexaH]

@notforme
What I see here is a headship issue in reading previous postings. I am a second wife in case you missed that. My marriage is totally independent from his marriage to his first wife. We have monogamy within Polygyny. Am I always 100 percent in agreement with my husband? Absolutely not. I am free to voice my opinion but ultimately I am still bound to follow his lead as the head. The proper Biblical Order of things I believe is what this boils down too. The Head of the Man is Christ, the head of the woman is her husband. It took me many years of pondering and studying as a single woman before I came to an acceptance of Polygyny as a Biblical form of marriage. Then many more years to find the man that I was supposed to marry. Have you tried to even find a common ground with women that are potential sister wives? Instead, of focusing on the negative aspects how have you supported your husband? I know this is not easy and I am trying to help smooth the path a bit.
Alexa

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Indeed! Find him a better wife who can and will blend in with the family, and propose her as a healthy alternative. Perhaps God can lead you to a lonely single female whom you and her can be best friends. Even if he does go on his own and marry this other chick, at least you will have an alliance, if and when she gets out of hand!

 

[Luis]

Why does a poly man have to be oppressed and take a beating (verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically) from his anti-poly wife when all he is doing is try to love women the way God made him?



Where did God say that? Can you point to the verse? Such a statement presumes a husband or wife could never be in rebellion against God's will.

That's deep & truthful

 

[Luis]

Actually there would be considerable debate on here about whether that was even an option.

That would seem to clearly be a selfish action and not of God.

There are no stories of Godly women in the Bible who got divorces.

If it came to that it would be gut check (heart check) time. Are you really following God, or your own path?

Truth

 

[Luis]

I have purposely avoided posting on this thread because it did not seem to need my particular blend of machismo and mayhem but I do have something to say to you.

It is time to decide what you are called to. If you are called to be a Biblical wife then it is time to be so. If you can not be a Godly wife in a polygynous marriage then it is time for you to separate yourself.

I realize that you are grieving for what was lost but it doesn’t seem to be coming back and frankly, even if it did things would never be the same. This would always weigh on your mind. Are you going to accept it and be the best wife you can in spite of the circumstances or not? There appears to be no way you will be a monogamous wife.

I will leave you with a burden and an encouragement. The burden first; you are called by God to be a good wife irrespective of what kind of husband you have. His performance has no bearing on yours. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and there are no caveats. If you can’t be good wife in this situation then you should consider separating. You will not be putting apart what God joined if you do not give yourself to another man.

Now for the encouragement; your real Husband is waiting for you. In this life you are getting your trousseau ready, picking out your dress and preparing for the ceremony. He is waiting for you at the altar and He will thrill to see you walk towards Him in your spotless white garb. He is coming and He will be perfect. None of this will matter then. Keep your eye on what’s to come. It’s going to be amazing.

WOW!! AWESOME!!! LOVE THE ENDING!!!

 

[Matthew Hudson]

From reading G_d's Word, I don't believe that poly is meant for everyone....

I have read on this forum, (over and over), that the first wife needs to submit, quit rebelling, and so on. There are those of us that took our vows on our wedding day, with no intentions of straying from them. Have some made mistakes and strayed from the vows? Yes, (me included unfortunately), but the vows were made "until death do us part", not "until you mess up", or "I changed my mind/beliefs", or "I get tired of you".

I had a dream a long time ago about foundations. I was in a house and the walls were not nailed, the floor was sloping and buckled because it was just propped up, and the plumbing was just sort of stuck together. This dream made me look into "Leadership." I learned a number of things.

1. Leaders sometimes take the lead and others follow them. Other times, leaders are made by those whom they lead. They have to make mistakes, they have to struggle, and they have to find a wide range of responses to their leadership style - from those they lead. Those responses must range from fury, to acceptance, to anger, to love, to dismissal, to every other emotion they can find. After all, those who follow are what make a leader, a leader. A leader who does not have followers, is not a leader - He's just a person who is alone.

2. Most men have no idea what the hell they are doing. They couldn't lead a basketball downhill. Especially when they are younger. They are more interested in what she looks like nekked than they are in what the family is going to do ten years down the road. I've met or talked to literally hundreds of poly families, and thousands of those who were interested in the lifestyle. (Been involved in this since 1991) I've seen the best of them, and the worst. No, really, the absolute worst. (Thanks Sean - Joy never deserved that) And from my personal experience, I offer some advice. Ladies, it's really up to you. It's up to him, as well, but a proper leader is created, and you are the one who creates him.

3. "I follow him until he does something I don't like." No, you don't. If you follow him when you agree with him, and turn on him when you disagree, then you are the leader and are fighting him for control. If you stub up every time he does something you don't like, then you are not following him, and he is not your leader. You lead yourself, and you pretend he leads you, and when conflict happens, you rip the family apart by the seams. I read about another one that did that this morning, on here. Older post, but still legitimate. Your JOB, is to teach him to lead, not lead for him. You offer criticism, you offer advice, you stand your ground on occasion, But you do it as someone who needs a strong leader, teaching, helping, consoling, yelling at stupid choices, offering your advice, and offering your skills. You want a strong leader? Saying, "He didn't do it like I want it done, so I'm going to do it myself," is the end of him. You strip his confidence, you steal his abilities and you undermine his strength. You WILL end up with a useless husk you can easily walk all over, right up until you realize you're bored, sick of him, and leave him. I've seen this so much, so so so so so much.

4. Men, she is not your damned slave. Submit is a military term for a person with talents, skills and abilities to willingly agree to let you lead them. If you are not taking that trust, and it is a trust, and making every inch of it all it can be, then you have failed her, and failed yourself. In MY case, it's school, education, talents, and abilities. I built my wife a business, then handed her the keys. I offer her support when she asks for it, guidance when she needs it, and occasionally a bit of a yell when she's screwing up... not fixing the problem for her but helping her to fix it herself. To fix it for her undermines her authority, and breaks her confidence.

5. Vows when you marry define your marriage. What you vow, is BINDING. Both because it was done in front of witnesses, and because she is building her life on the foundation of that vow. So, did God call someone to break their freely made vow? Have you ever seem that in the Bible? Then break it and renegotiate the marriage. Changing it is the same as ripping her world out from under her. Changing the terms of her agreement, abandoning your part of it, and then expecting her to renegotiate with you on it, is not good. You deny her as a person, a real live being, and see her as your subject, not as an equal who pledged herself to you. As her leader, you can negate a vow she makes, but only at the moment you first head about it - that's leadership and protecting the family - a job she hired you to do.

Now, no hate mail please, This is my opinion. It is based on about 36 years of experience, but it's still my opinion.

 

[Matthew Hudson]

Agree 100%!
I also agree with others on this forum about the stability of the first marriage. If there are deep rooted issues between the husband and the first wife to where the marriage is on shaky ground already, where is the common sense of adding another wife? You don't fix a first marriage by adding a second!!

Agreed with you. Some marriages are nothing but combat zones, where the words, "I do," resemble, "Let's get ready to RUMMMBLEEEE!" It's a constant battle for dominance, an unspoken fight for the leadership of the family, until one of both get so sick of the fight they give up. When they give up, the marriage will last a day, week, year, but it's already over. That's the result of the power struggle, someone will eventually win, and like all contests, when it's concluded, you move on. If he's trying to force her to submit, and she finally does, he's won and she's angry and bitter. If she's trying to run him like a horse, a leader she can get on and ride into the dirt, he, like the horse, will eventually break down and be useless. There IS a solution, and it requires renegotiation, and the possibility that one or the other may not WANT to renegotiate and just leave.

Ketubah. It's the way you save one of these marriages. You designate roles, rules, responsibilities, and then you stick with it like you life depends on it. You see her as your equal, one who has chosen to follow you. You see him as your equal, one who you have to help be that tank against the world. When you understand that men and women are equal in the eyes of God, and give them the credit they deserve as equals who are with you willingly, then you'll find your arguments nearly stop and you start to care about each other again. Or at least that has been my experience.