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Support What to do when spouse rejects her faith

@Sean Miller -- you're being the man your ladies desire and need so very much! I loved reading your update--very encouraging. Keep the momentum going!! I've seen @Keith Martin turn things around in his home with persistence and consistently stepping up. He would be a good one to visit with for encouragement in what you're doing in your home. I'll keep praying. Please keep us updated as you are able. Blessings in abundance upon your home and each individual member!
 
Glory!

We have home fellowship and one thing that I have found that increases participation is low points and high points of the week.
I believe that the early church was probably less about sermons and more about them encouraging each other in their walk.
 
Sean Miller said:
Update : <snip> I have just stepped up my game, no more "what do you want" or talking in a soft gentle, kind voice. <snip> So, that's it in a nut shell. Thanks again everyone, love to you all!
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I'm really proud for you, brother! Congratulations both for getting improved results and for continuing to be patient (knowing that some things take time). We'll believe that, if you keep this up, you will continue to produce blessings in your home.
 
Thanks all. So.... Well things are peaceful and I'm continuing to do what mentioned above. However my 1st is set in her emotional waywardness and is not seeming to accept my loving and kind gestures to kindal the relationship. I'm uncertain how to proceed as when ever we have private talks her anger spurs and lashes out with insulting me and saying rude and hurtful things, reminding me that the I shouldn't act like all is OK. So I guess me being persuant and anak amounts of affection are wrong to her because she wants not to be with me. I'm not sure how to proceed with her, but I told her I would be as I would with any wife in my home, loving, affectionate and promoting peace vs living on egg shells (which I guess she wants??). Not much response in regard to that.
 
Sean Miller said:
not sure how to proceed with her, but I told her I would be as I would with any wife in my home, loving, affectionate and promoting peace vs living on egg shells (which I guess she wants??). Not much response in regard to that.
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ZecAustin said:
Stay the course! It’s a long hard slog but it will be worth it.
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Standing steadfast in the truth while abounding in love toward her will honour God and challenge her. And you might keep in mind, the fruit of the Spirit includes patience. Shalom brother.
 
Sean Miller said:
So I guess me being persuant and anak amounts of affection are wrong to her because she wants not to be with me.
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You want to be attractive more than pursuant necessarily. The later can come off as desperate and submissive (which is unattractive).

Sean Miller said:
. I'm uncertain how to proceed as when ever we have private talks her anger spurs and lashes out with insulting me and saying rude and hurtful things, reminding me that the I shouldn't act like all is OK.
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What are you doing to trigger her? Are these 'talks' about poly or religion or you berating her about this or that? Now may not the time for those. Are you saying things that you know will set her off? Don't. Are you responding in kind and letting your emotions get riled? You can't expect her to control herself if you won't. I'm not saying pussyfoot around her, that would be counterproductive; I'm saying stop antagonizing her.

But if she is acting that way in generic discussions that is a problem. Putting up with that behavior will only make her despise you worse. If you want to be her husband you have to have boundaries; it is reasonable to expect her to act like a calm adult. Even if this means nothing more then, "I won't talk with you when you act like that." and walking away. But that won't work if you don't at all times control your own emotions and tongue.

But if she's lashing out at you when you bring up poly or religion; well duh. And even with what I said in the last paragraph, there are ways in which her releasing her emotions in that way could actually lead to helpful resolution. But it kind of depends on how she does it and the subtexts. "I don't respect you and will treat you like dirt" vs. "you've hurt me and I need to work through these emotions and know you'll still be there for me to help me through the storm" kind of thing.

This is the wife who you took a second over the objections of isn't it? If so, yes you've hurt her. And if she's never worked through those emotions and truly forgiven you, they will be poison in her.

Take this post all with a pound of salt, I don't know her or your personalities or history or what is going on in these 'private talks'.
 
rockfox said:
What are you doing to trigger her? Are these 'talks' about poly or religion or you berating her about this or that? Now may not the time for those. Are you saying things that you know will set her off? Don't. Are you responding in kind and letting your emotions get riled? You can't expect her to control herself if you won't. I'm not saying pussyfoot around her, that would be counterproductive; I'm saying stop antagonizing her.

But if she is acting that way in generic discussions that is a problem. Putting up with that behavior will only make her despise you worse. If you want to be her husband you have to have boundaries; it is reasonable to expect her to act like a calm adult. Even if this means nothing more then, "I won't talk with you when you act like that." and walking away. But that won't work if you don't at all times control your own emotions and tongue.

But if she's lashing out at you when you bring up poly or religion; well duh. And even with what I said in the last paragraph, there are ways in which her releasing her emotions in that way could actually lead to helpful resolution. But it kind of depends on how she does it and the subtexts. "I don't respect you and will treat you like dirt" vs. "you've hurt me and I need to work through these emotions and know you'll still be there for me to help me through the storm" kind of thing.

This is the wife who you took a second over the objections of isn't it? If so, yes you've hurt her. And if she's never worked through those emotions and truly forgiven you, they will be poison in her.

Take this post all with a pound of salt, I don't know her or your personalities or history or what is going on in these 'private talks'.
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No, no, I don't say anything to trigger her what so ever, I'm very good at reading people, I know what not to say and even she she mentioned I have given her a lot of space. Her reactions are triggered by the fact she has not, nor will, forgive me breaking the monogumus vow, that's a underlined issue, period, but it comes in waves. So she finds ways to some how bring up something she is upset about even if it has to do with something she is upset at herself about. Usually anything related to the kids starts her on it, I hardly say a word to her until she starts throwing insults or accusations. At the water park Saturday I rubbed her neck/shoulder gently as we stood by each other getting ready to leave, she shrugged suddenly and my reaction was simple "what's wrong, don't act like that". She was quick to fire back "what did you forget what's going on the last 4 weeks!". After later asking her she said she thought I was deliberately asking her what's wrong loud in front of her new friend (who was 12 feet away on her phone, behind us). So if you catch my drift, she's just hyper sensitive or parinoid. The things she comes up with as to why she thinks I do something 8 of 10 times throws me back in shock (what!? Hu!? Where did you get that from?).

Later I asked my other wife if I was loud and she said I was not and was surprised to hear me even ask the question. It's not easy to explain how she behaves, biggest issue, my own mother said, she can't forgive people (her included).
 
She is on strike, you are just going to have to wait her out.
Any attempts at strike-breaking will be perceived as such.
 
Sean Miller said:
. At the water park Saturday I rubbed her neck/shoulder gently as we stood by each other getting ready to leave, she shrugged suddenly and my reaction was simple "what's wrong, don't act like that". She was quick to fire back "what did you forget what's going on the last 4 weeks!". After later asking her she said she thought I was deliberately asking her what's wrong loud in front of her new friend (who was 12 feet away on her phone, behind us). So if you catch my drift, she's just hyper sensitive or parinoid. The things she comes up with as to why she thinks I do something 8 of 10 times throws me back in shock (what!? Hu!? Where did you get that from?).
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Suggestion from a stranger so take it for what it's worth, try and stop reacting to her when you offer love to her. Love her from deep with in you, but don't react when she withdraws, just understand and give her room. Go on with you life. Let her feel stability from you, no matter what she does. Over time she may begin to realize she is the one pushing you away and losing the love she most desperately wants. Following after her, always putting your hand on her and then reacting to her negativity, she is setting you up so she can knock you down. Love from within and not to trap her so she won't run away. Lovingly convince her that she needs you more than you need her. You must feel it yourself.
 
Cap said:
Suggestion from a stranger so take it for what it's worth, try and stop reacting to her when you offer love to her. Love her from deep with in you, but don't react when she withdraws, just understand and give her room. Go on with you life. Let her feel stability from you, no matter what she does. Over time she may begin to realize she is the one pushing you away and losing the love she most desperately wants. Following after her, always putting your hand on her and then reacting to her negativity, she is setting you up so she can knock you down. Love from within and not to trap her so she won't run away. Lovingly convince her that she needs you more than you need her. You must feel it yourself.
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Excellent advice imo
 
Sean Miller said:
my own mother said, she can't forgive people (her included).
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Supposing that your mother's assessment is correct, then I think we might be onto *a* root cause here.. it is hard to overstate the seriousness of this problem! _Forgiveness is crucial! ==> Mat 6:12-15

I know of one instance where a man was very displeased at some small thing, which in seconds turn into a resigned, shake your head, "such is life" sort of thing when he made a statement to God thru clenched teeth; first about forgiving all his debtors (Mat 6:12), and then asking forgiveness for his own debts. _I don't know if he very much meant the words, or was just saying it, but I was amazed at how fast of an almost polar transformation it produced. _After that, it's probably good to command all evil spirits to immediately depart and never return. _You can do this for yourself, and perhaps also for her, on her behalf... certainly the commanding evil spirits to be gone from her.

If you can get her to do it herself, that might be quite beneficial. _Supposing she objects saying she doesn't think she can forgive; it is not my impression that "meaning it" (forgiveness) is necessary as a first step, that is; I think it's fine if she doesn't "mean it" (as a first step)... _just logically concluding forgiveness to be important (Mat 6:14-15) regardless of what the flesh wants, and then saying the words seems to be sufficient to help... at least as a first step. _"Meaning it" is no doubt better, but that can probably come sometime after taking the first step.

Also, if you can implement any of the dietary suggestions I have formerly mentioned (especially reducing calcium (all dairy, except butter), and increasing magnesium (raisins, beans)), I think that would help everyone feel more calm and steady.
https://biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/please-pray-for-god-to-speak-to-us.14207/#post-165994

Again, please don't take this as advice, but suggestions for things to prayerfully consider if seem like they would be beneficial in your situation.
 
I have read this post and I want to suggest something but first I need to clarify an embarrassing fact. Women have their ups and downs because of their hormones. I can be snappy one day and loving the next. And no, it does not excuse our behaviour but it is reality. Your wife may have these fluctuating days and treat you as such. She may not want to grasp control of it because of her feelings toward you. On to the suggestion which is of no relation to my above statement. I would suggest to you to not push her. As 2 posters above stated, she is on strike and don't react to her. She is wanting you to react to her. Some can say that that is her way of feeling accomplished and that is winning in a sense to her. My advice is to stop and change tactics. She is also in a sense acting like a toddler and stomping her feet. When my child does this, I stop talking, give her a look and walk off. When my husband is not in a good mood, it doesn't help for me to sit there and try to love on him or talk to him. I quietly just close my mouth and walk out of the room. I wait for him to call or find me when his mood has calmed. Love your wife, step back from her as in conversations, give her space, pray for her and hopefully she will come around.
 
Sean Miller said:
Hey all,
So poly has been nothing but easy, and as those of you who know me from on here, I don't pretend to know everything and accept I am imperfect and make mistakes. So that said, my 1st wife has officially denounced her faith in Christ and the written scriptures, due to her research for her book she has come to the attention of reading Paul and Jesus by Jams D. Tabor. As well as reading Jesus Interrupted by Bart D. Ehrman.

From my understanding these men are agnostic and they take the position that the NT and most of it, based on history of that era, is inaccurate, not authentic and plagiarized by writers who were not the noted authors.

Okay so in a nut shell, since she no longer accepts Christ or the teachings in the NT to be historically accurate she will no longer live by it. What does that mean? well it means she wants a divorce or something similar?? To not accept my leadership, to not submit to me or the scriptures, to not teach the bible, even though she says she thinks there is good about it. She will stay, for the moment, in my home but does not want any affection (1 week ago she was being affectionate), ie sex, and she does not want me to marry or bring another wife into our/my home.

Naturally I am very heartbroken and upset but I am saying little as I honestly do not know what to do. Do I remain living with her, supporting her and so forth as she continues to do her motherly duties in the home? I have made it very clear, and she agreed, that I am not okay with her discussing her agnostic faith with my other children or my other spouse. I know I will want to marry again in the future, so do I abandon that because she doesn't like it or support it? I know what she is thinking and doing is dangerous to my family and my/her and I's children, but she refuses to accept how this is the case.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, how am I able to do that when one in my house wont? I am only seeking out wisdom here, prayer and direction. I haven't responded to much as I do not know what to say else to her, I don't know if It is the best thing for us to stay in the same home let alone for her to be around my other wife and children as an educator. She also now refuses to spank our children again for the same reasons I already mentioned. Please pray, and comment after you have, I really don't have the energy for attacks towards me or insults so please respect my request in responding. Thanks!
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This sounds so difficult. Me and my family are praying for you both.
 
All things are possible with God and as bad as it seems the Lord is always in control. NO matter what happens. Praying for you my friend. Also, He never gives us more than we can handle. These books she has read are to make people walk away, I know that for a fact, I read some a long time ago and they really affect my faith. But they never can destroy the Lord that He had for me, and the love I Have for Him. Be blesses in Knowing that He is still on the Throne and everyone in this forum is praying for you and your family.
 
rejoicinghandmaid said:
Good morning, @Sean Miller, I wasn't intending to be on here this morning but was checking a PM and then my eye caught your new thread. I've only been on the forum for a little over a year, but I've seen you shepherd the flock our Father has given you. I've seen you be comfortable and apt with the plural family you have. Man! I'm sure this has blind sided you, but I'd say it's been a while in coming. Your 1st has begun thinking this way for some time as she's read and researched for her book. What is the subject of the book she is writing? Unfortunately, at times, research does expose us to beliefs contrary to those we consider foundational. Being a mom of 6 myself, I hear the concern and fear of how this 1st may begin to influence and sway young minds, and even perhaps other wives. Let me encourage you to "clean" your house. Are there other books/magazines in your home occupying space which tear down or nibble at the foundation of your faith and that of your home? Is there music that subliminally carries a counter message? Are there safeguards in place for your children who may be online? Your home is a greenhouse in the big world in which we all live as adults. Each of us are going to encounter ideas and concepts beyond ourselves. It's part of our growth, tempering of our metal, and grounding that has to occur as we mature. What you allow in your greenhouse for your young plants will determine their bent once they encounter the outside world. I'm soooo aware that the outside world often has ready access to our greenhouse today.

Your Father has brought you to this battle ground. You didn't ask for it; Father has said, "Here, son, this is for you. Will you allow me to grow you? Will you allow me to help you win this battle? Whatever you do, don't forget the Litmus Test for all believers (John 13:35). @PeteR also encouraged you in this. :) Your 1st may well begin to look and sound like the enemy. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that she is not! She is definitely being influenced by the enemy. Eph. 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." She is "under the influence"--often a phrase used with addicts. Remember you stand at the door of your tent. Your influence "As for me and my house...." reigns in your home. Through the supreme God of the universe, you have the ability to overcome. I John 4:4 "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." Encourage yourself in the LORD God, as did David long before he became king.

As you have a few minutes, please do keep us here at BF up to date so we can pray effectively for you. Love, love, love her! I'm convinced that no matter the battle, love, agape love, has the upper hand that wins the day. It's God's way! Us humans just have trouble getting there. Don't miss understand me, please. I'm not saying "tough love" isn't agape love. Your 1st needs your solid rock stability, firmness as your pilot your ark, and unwavering, unconditional love all bundled up in you as her shepherd. :) I'll be praying!
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I fully agree with this. And all the others who state that we have the fiend in our house. The force to get him out is love. The strongest force of God. Love her and secure the stability of your family by keeping the members together. I myself stay with my first who fought against my plans and my second love and who as well fought for her own egoistic viewpoints. Though God told me to take care of my second, my first was fighting and wanted to get divorced then. Still, I am married and love her and am with my family. Especially for the stability of all of us, I stay. And pray for my second and ask God for trust and help. The stability between my first and me is better than ever before - today. After four years of doubt. And God is still preparing the way for us and the appearance of my second. I today know it and believe in this. Keep believing, stay on track, trust Him and we pray for you and your family members. Including your first. Think about this: the current situation is giving you the potential to rethink everything, PM, your family, family members and the way of your living. And after you have gone through this process you will be much clearer and stronger than ever before. You will have a much, much stronger family and all family members will be stronger, have more faith and energy to move forward with you as the spiritual leader of your family, being guided by God yourself. Sorry for my weak English but I hope I can transport what I want to say ;-)
 
It's a test of your Headship. I capitalize the H, because it is a trial for your faith and will. I would do a "shake down," a term used in correction facilities, and subtlety gather up, room by room thoroughly, and throw out any and every idolatrous thing, anything contrary to the knowledge (books, and media) of G-D, and every profane thing. And I wouldn't let her know till I was done. But before I threw anything out, I would call a house meeting before everyone, and set up rule that none of those things be in the house. If your house is G-D's house, it will divided or stand.
And have weekly meeting to have prayer and hymns.
Show your faith. Show G-D and HIS love.
The house will devide or stand. Only through lack if Headship can it fall.
"If the unbelieving departs, let them depart."

The Word of G-D is "sharper than any two edged sword." And able to go into the filthiest of sinners heart, and bring them to the knowledge of G-D.
(I will) Hold fast to the Hope in Yahshua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ) and the Power of Holy Spirit through the Word of G-D.
Be faithful in all things.
Amen.
She will decide something.
Make sure your household that believes not to fall.
 
Thanks for the feedback here. It's been a struggle, but honestly the biggest issue for me is going back through all the good things He has done and shown us, not to mention my wife's experience with God it self. I really hate seeing her throw that all away because what she read in another few books convinced her that the bible is not infalable so therefor Yeshua and everything about him is not completely accurate.

For me this is what faith is all about, when I compare the messege of Christ to other spiritual beliefs along with my personal experiences, I can not find anything close to compare to God's/Yeshua's message. So how can my wife who shared these she experiences say she believes in a creater but she just doesn't know who that "God" is! Why gamble on it, if some how (which I don't see any way possible) we're all wrong about God and Christ we have nothing lose, but if she is wrong (I'm sure she is) she has so much more to lose in both lives!

I'm just so upset about it I can't even express it properly, God was the biggest thing we had to share together and what brought us together, now that's been stollen from me/us, my hearts broken, I'm tearing up writing this, realising how bottled up my emotions are regarding it. Not really any way to express it, she won't have a conversation about it and I don't try anymore, I don't want the fight and to feel more upset.

I guess I could go on her computer and remove all those books, we don't have any in paperback, she does everything electronically. I think it's all just on the Web so even if I remove it, she can recover it, plus she done with it all.

I'm at a point of complete despare. I love her, value her as a person and mother of my children and what she does for the family, but now I just don't want the reminder there in my face each day. Its such a difficult situation.... The way the world lives things is so different from how things are biblically so if you take that away, those morals, how do you move forward? I can't kick her out, I can't make her follow my rules, she doesn't believe in listening to the bible so what really is there for me to. Love her, yeah, but how if she won't listen to what I say, doesn't want intamcy or hardly hang out. Plus it's a bad example to my other wives and future wives.
 
Francis Bowman said:
All things are possible with God and as bad as it seems the Lord is always in control. NO matter what happens. Praying for you my friend. Also, He never gives us more than we can handle. These books she has read are to make people walk away, I know that for a fact, I read some a long time ago and they really affect my faith. But they never can destroy the Lord that He had for me, and the love I Have for Him. Be blesses in Knowing that He is still on the Throne and everyone in this forum is praying for you and your family.
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Thank you. Very kind.
 
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